In my last blog I discussed my “Dark Night of the Soul”, and expressed my decision to stop fighting it and just ride it out. That was Monday the 3rd; by Friday I was absolutely desolate and I spent the next four days locked in the darkest place I have been since the breakdown of my second marriage. Drank wine and ate chocolate and wrote poetry (more Sylvia Platt then Elizabeth Barrett). This only made me feel worse, the alcohol especially did nothing to lessen the pain, the wine simply impaired my judgment.  Allowing the negative thinking to be compounded by unrealistic expectations of how things (and people) should be. 
           Like it or not Tuesday I had to put on people clothes and go out
into the world. I am a volunteer at the Nanaimo Men’s Centre. I am rigorous about keeping my word, so bailing was not an option for me. After that was done I hurried home to grab some dinner and go to the second committee meeting of Human Exchange Society. This is a group a started volunteering with about a month ago; they provide refuge shelter for recovering addicts. At that meeting my duties for the group were defined and I began almost immediately thinking about how to bring the most value possible to my service for these clients.
          Tuesday was clearly a turning point by Wednesday I was pondering
what lessons I could take from these experiences I am having now. Thursday I found myself willing to trust that (even if I don’t understand) what is going on, must be necessary for my spiritual growth. With that knowledge I am now able to allow the negativity of this situation to begin flowing through me from moment to moment. I am not holding onto it any more. Am I back to my old self? No, but I am better then I was a week ago. And isn’t this human experience really about moving forward.
          I have always found I am happiest living outside myself; by that I mean when I am in service to others. Tuesday brought me back in touch with that. So, I guess I am suggesting volunteerism as therapy. 
Have a joyous day.

          I have heard others on the spiritual journey talk about the “DARK NIGHT of the SOUL” and thought I knew what that meant. I have been through some tough times in my life, an abusive childhood, been a teen mom, had a couple of broken marriages, single parenting and always in one form of poverty or another. I have always been able to find the good (the light which balances the dark). My childhood made a stronger more compassionate adult. My daughter’s birth grounded me, my marriages taught me how to love better, being a single parent, taught me to set aside false pride and ask for what I need. And poverty taught me that “stuff is just stuff”… it can be replaced. True value is held in time; the moments of our life and how we choose to spend them.  
           In response to the obvious question, “What is she babbling about now?”  I am experiencing my first true, DARK NIGHT of the SOUL. It would be wrong for me to let you believe that living from spirit means that “shit won’t happen”.  I have taken you along on this journey so far; the wisdom I have learned (much of it from our Native brothers and sisters), the insights, the joy, the hope for humanity… so many exciting things to see on the path to enlightenment. Now I have hit a pothole and feel it is necessary to share that too. 
           This began a few weeks ago and involves a confluence (hope I used that word right) of emotionally charged events; all of which have been precipitated externally. An old love returned just long enough to upset the emotional apple-cart, renewing feelings of guilt and regret. Then there was/is a major financial setback. Circumstances are forcing me to focus on certain chronic health issues, which I find manageable and choose not to dwell on. My computer had a problem and it ate many personal files; some irreplaceable pictures, short stories and poetry. Beyond the sadness around losing those things; until I can replace this laptop I am afraid to download the images for my kids' book…so that project is on hold. I have also discovered that my eyesight has deteriorated to the point where I can’t read books anymore (2-3 pages in and my eyes burn). If you know anyone in Nanaimo B.C. who is interested alternative views of Christianity or Native Justice; I am looking for a reader.  
          Although I can resolve each of these in my head, I can’t get my
heart to “feel it”.  I think that is what makes this a “DARK NIGHT of the SOUL” At first I fought the feelings of negativity and depression, but the failure to sustain a positive attitude just added feelings of inadequacy to the mix. So I have decided not to be proactive… I will lash myself to the mast and ride out the storm (to reference a nautical term). I will cry my tears, rage my rages, write my poems and soon as with all things, this
 will pass. 
           the DARK NIGHT of the SOUL has been referenced by so many of the dominant healers and teachers in the human potential movement that I think it may exist as some kind of energetic breaking point or portal. I am picturing a tunnel that gets so narrow you have to leave all that you are carrying behind. It will allow us to continue on the journey freely. Or it could just be shit happens and at this moment it’s happening to me. Guess
we’ll see in good time LOL.  Have a joyous week.